Ridge accuses Bush White House of political use of terror alert system

or
We Are At Liar Alert Level "Pants On Fire"

As reported in the Boston Globe, and many, many other places, Tom Ridge confesses that terror alert levels were manipulated based on political polling for tactical partisan advantage.

In his new book, the first Homeland Security chief, Tom Ridge, accuses top aides to President George W. Bush of pressing him to raise the terror alert level to influence the 2004 presidential election.

I am shocked, shocked, that the whole Roy G. Biv color scam was just a PR ploy. But at least we finally found those weapons of mass destruction.

Edwards to admit paternity of ex-mistress' child

or
On The Next Maury: Edwards Gets Reille

Sources say that John Edwards will fess up to fathering the child of his former mistress.

Sources have told WRAL News that they expect former U.S. Sen. John Edwards to admit that he is the father of his former mistress' 18-month-old daughter.

Edwards, a two-time Democratic presidential candidate, confessed last August to having an affair with Rielle Hunter, who served as a videographer on Edwards' 2008 campaign. He has denied fathering her daughter, saying his relationship with Hunter ended before the child was conceived.

His rather stalkerish former assistant had been taking that bullet for Team Ken Doll.

By confessing to having knocked up the former girlfriend of 80s literary star Jay McInerney, Edwards reduces the number of people fooled by his previous ridiculously transparent denials to exactly zero.

Embattled S.C. Governor Sanford, Wife Are Splitting Up

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Charlie Crist Is Taking Notes

According to the Washington Post, South Carolina governor Mark Sanford is kicking his long-suffering and independently wealthy wife to the curb of the governor's mansion.

Since the Republican governor secretly traveled abroad in June and admitted upon his return that he had an Argentine mistress, the Sanfords have vacationed together in Florida and Europe, and both have repeatedly said they were working to repair their marriage.

But the first lady said Friday that she will move to the family's oceanfront cottage on Sullivan's Island, a lush beach enclave near Charleston nearly two hours by car from the state capitol, where her husband remains in office.

This should free up plenty of time in his busy schedule for Appalachian Trail hiking and Argentinian divorcée banging.

Prosecutors Want Barry Jailed Over Tax Returns

0r
"H&R Block Set Me Up"

Deposed Mayor-For-Life Marion Barry just can't find time to file a 1040, according to the Washington Post.

For the second time in two years, frustrated federal prosecutors took aim at Marion Barry's chronic failure to file his tax returns and urged a judge to put him in jail.

The move by authorities is the latest act in a long-running tug of war between authorities and the D.C. Council member over his tax status. In all, prosecutors say, Barry has failed to file his returns on time in eight of the past nine years.

It seems Barry thinks the tax code has a few cracks in it.

(very belated h/t to Scotty)

Daschle Apologizes for Income Tax Errors

or
Betcha Wish You Had Gotten The H&R Block Guarantee Now

The Washington Post says that Tom Daschle is is at least as sorry about that tax mistake as Michael Phelps is for bogarting that bong.

Thomas A. Daschle, fighting to defend his nomination to be secretary of health and human services, released a letter early today apologizing to the top lawmakers on the Senate Finance Committee for mistakes on his personal income tax returns that resulted in $146,000 in back payments.

When your back taxes are larger than most people's W-2, you are in way too high of a tax bracket. Maybe he can hire Timothy Geithner's accountant.

Bush's 'War' On Terror Comes to a Sudden End

or
War Declared On Misguided Bush Policies

The Washington Post's Dana Priest declares victory and goes home.

With the stroke of his pen, [Obama] effectively declared an end to the "war on terror," as President George W. Bush had defined it, signaling to the world that the reach of the U.S. government in battling its enemies will not be limitless.

However, we are still waging losing battles in The War On Poverty, The War On Crime, and The War On Drugs.

Enormous Crowd Streams From Mall

or
Obama And Two Million Of His Closest Friends Go Back Home

The Washington Post reports on the post-inauguration dispersal. Because nobody wants 1.8 million people hanging around in the cold all week.

The historic crowd that gathered to see Barack Obama sworn in as president has now begun leaving the Mall, crowding Metro stations and jamming downtown streets with human gridlock.

Along the Mall -- which was packed even beyond the Washington Monument -- some spectators began leaving as soon as Obama had taken the oath of office, too frozen even to wait for his address. Their trickle became a slow-moving flood after the inaugural program concluded.

The understatements in that headline are "enormous" and "crowds". It's the vigor of the verb "stream" that I doubt.